I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
