Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Randomize
