Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
