I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
