I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Randomize
