I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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