I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
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