Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
