she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
This baby is an asshole
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
