Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
