What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
