i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
