I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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