he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
My balls are so social today.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Randomize
