i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
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