I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
