you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
