Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
