these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
