first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Houston, we have a squirter
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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