You're my little dorito
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
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