she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
