i think my mom watched the whole time
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
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