I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
