Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
