i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
