He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
