I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
