this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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