when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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