Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
