Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
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