Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
