The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
