we have pet lesbian snakes
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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