Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
