We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
