youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Randomize
