You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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