Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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