hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
