so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
