When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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