eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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