U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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