Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Randomize
