Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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