It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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