I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
