My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
zippers are such a cool invention
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize
