I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
