8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
im calling her cock vulture from now on
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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