WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
