and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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