I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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