I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
